


I've Been Trying to Fix My Pride,  But That Shit's Broken

by oveath (lesbianchiyo)



Series: same place, different stories [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Western, Enemies to Friends, Eventual Relationships, Holding Hands, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Secret Crush
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-22
Updated: 2020-07-31
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:28:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 9
Words: 18,607
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24055186
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lesbianchiyo/pseuds/oveath
Summary: Tobio was there for a reason, he had sliced his wrists, cut too deep, he had bled a red waterfall. Yet, he had to deal with a ginger who couldn't shake off the feeling that what had happened to them was their fault. Tobio can NOT stress enough when they're roommates for the next two weeks — he should of said no to group therapy.
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio
Series: same place, different stories [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1736278
Comments: 77
Kudos: 176





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> __  
>  **IN NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM WILL ANY MENTAL ILLNESSES BE ROMANTICIZED. __**  
> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song; All Time Low by JonBellion

* * *

Tobio was fine; even after getting stitched up at the hospital and shocked back to life, he still said he was _fine_. Because he was and maybe he wasn’t at times, he just didn’t want to admit to it and that was why he was still here. You can’t get better unless you admit and shimmy up close to the therapists, smile and trick them and talk about _how much better you’re feeling._ Yeah, no, Tobio’s therapist could see right through him—thanks a lot Tooru. So here he was, like every Thursday tucked outside Mr. Koshi’s— _“Just call me Koshi.”_ — office waiting for the older male to open the door, let the kid who Tobio had heard crying for the last ten minutes out and wave Tobio in. It was taking longer than expected; the child’s wails only growing louder.

The hallways were cold, Tobio dug at the tip of his nail—picking and chewing the top between his teeth. His T-shirt hung loosely; he had to wear short sleeves—Koshi had said just until it _heals_. He was talking about Tobio’s bandaged arms, the stitches hidden away from public, kept safe and secure.

Koshi’s office was just down the hall from the entrance, the spring heat leaking in as the front doors slid open and closed; Tobio could hear them, the doors, the people, his breath caught in his throat when he saw Mr. Keiji ushering a smaller male down the hall. Tobio stared at them as they continued their trek through the hall of offices, and just like everyone Tobio saw admitted he looked dead in the eyes, a gaze that said he had been crying, overwhelmed by what was happening, and despite the warm weather the boy was wrapped up tight in a winter jacket, hood held down by the back of Mr. Keiji’s hand. They didn’t say anything as they passed, but Tobio knew the smaller male had seen him, eyes widening as he shimmied closer to Mr. Keiji, Tobio went back to biting at his fingertips.

It was a couple more minutes until Koshi’s door opened, a couple passing doctors, a couple passing kids and a couple passing snaps; _“Don’t bite your nails.”_ , _“Here use this.”_ And that was how Tobio ended up with a useless boring stress ball. The boy that had escaped hid in his hands, bottom lip wobbling as he hurried towards second hall; the shared dorms. Tobio hadn’t made it that far, even after two weeks he still resided in first hall, the hall where you got your own room and were watched every step of the way—he could be at second hall, but really group therapy, Tobio would eat dog food before going to group therapy. He could barely even handle his sessions with Koshi, and those happened once a week, he couldn’t imagine doing two sessions a week; one with Koshi and one with _other kids_.

“Tobio?”

Tobio hurried to his feet, hands behind his back fingers squeezing at the useless stress ball. Koshi stood in the doorway of his dimly lit office, lips stretched in a welcoming smile, “Sorry that took so long, come in, come in—there’s juice or-”

“Is there milk?” Tobio brushed past Koshi, this wasn’t his first time here and certainly wasn’t his last. Koshi always kept snacks and drinks in a small refrigerator, he had never kept cartons of milk, but after Tobio’s second visit he had assured the boy he would get some.

“Ahh, yes, second shelf,” Koshi took a seat behind his desk, cleaning up a pack of Uno cards, Tobio hummed pulling open the mini-fridge door. “There’s chocolate and strawberry milk too.” Koshi sent another one of his signature smiles, Tobio shrugged sitting down in the small armchair placed in front of Koshi’s desk—he pulled the pillow from behind his back throwing it on top of the armchair next to him, Koshi’s smile never wavered. “So, Tobio?” The said male hummed, stabbing the straw in the top of his carton of milk, he took a relaxed sip. “How are your arms feeling?”

It was a normal question, Tobio was asked it every day, during lunch, breakfast, dinner, even in the halls. Tobio shrugged, looking down at his bandaged arms—he knew he had to go get them changed after a shower tomorrow morning.

Koshi kept pushing, “Do they hurt, feel stiff, your hands working okay?”

Tobio shrugged, “’M fine.” He didn’t remove the straw from his mouth, feet wrapped around the two front chair legs, his glazed _bored_ eyes staring at a small figurine that sat on Koshi’s desk. It was a small man, with black and white hair that stuck up like owl ears—his hands were balled in fist and he looked as if he was screaming up at the ceiling.

“I need you to,” Koshi paused, letting his hands fall atop the desk, “You need to talk to me, Tobio. We want to get you home, but that means you have to work with us.” Tobio shrugged his shoulders again, there were a good amount of figurines scattered around the room, his eyes landed on a small figurine of a boy with black hair, clad in an orange volleyball uniform lips twisted into a bitter smile, it left Tobio’s mouth dry he turned back towards Koshi, who, was staring at him with pleading eyes.

“They’re okay,” Tobio threw his empty milk carton away, before shoving his hands between his thighs, “Just sore.” Koshi nodded, exhaling.

“Okay, that’s,” He paused, “That’s good.” His smiled turned even brighter, Tobio licked his bottom lip, but he nodded anyway. “See, Tobio,” Koshi paused again, Tobio stared down at the owl man. “You’ve been here for a while; you know how it works.” Tobio nodded, “And we think it’s time you go to group therapy.” Koshi folded his hands together, smiling, eyes pleading, worried.

Tobio inhaled deeply, “That’s not,” He exhaled, “I don’t…know.”

Koshi’s lips dropped into a firm line, “I know you don’t know, Tobio, but we need you to go.” Koshi wasn’t leaving room for a no, wasn’t leaving room for another week of thinking. “You’ll get a roommate, it’s two weeks, group therapy on Monday’s and then you’d see me every Thursday. After those two weeks, you’d get a new roommate. You could also keep the same one, that’s an option.” Koshi exhaled, “And then you can start doing school work again, you know we have a…” Koshi trailed off, eyes falling onto Tobio’s arms between his thighs, “We have a gym and we have a team, it’s small, but you can play games. All you have to do is go to group therapy, talk to people again, Tobio.” Koshi’s hands dropped apart, “We don’t want to see you sitting alone again, there’s people here for you.” Tobio nodded, remembering Tooru’s words— _shimmy closer to the therapists._ “There’s people who want to talk to you, you just have to let them in.” Tobio wasn’t really listening, he was thinking about getting home and getting home and he’d get to play volleyball again. “Please, Tobio.” Koshi smiled again and Tobio shrugged; all he had to do was _lie_.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me @ skoope : i'm getting triggered by my own mental health au
> 
> please tell me if i'm not taking things seriously, i really appreciate the support so far!! i love reading your comments.

* * *

Monday came faster than Tobio expected, and after a quiet breakfast of whispers and stares Tobio was ushered down second hall, new bandages on his arms and another plain white T-shirt that hung too loose. Second hall was smaller, more compact—all the doors were open, the dorms ranging from clean to messy and at the end of the hall stood a room bigger than Koshi’s and Mr. Keiji’s office combined. The door was propped open with a piece of wood, Tobio wanted to turn around, brush Koshi’s hand off his back and run, run and never look back. He rubbed his hands against his sweatpants, he was more aware, aware of the bandages secure around his arms, how stiff his shoulders were. There were so many people inside, all sitting in a circle, legs spread out, tucked against chests, feet wrapped around leg chairs. Tobio’s chest felt tight, he didn’t want to do this, he wanted to turn around, he wanted to throw himself out that window; the window that was open letting in a small breeze. He wished nobody had found him that day, he had been so close, so, so clo—

“Tobio?”

Tobio felt eyes on him, so many eyes. He looked towards Koshi who kept a firm hand on his back, his smile was familiar and Tobio looked nervously towards the group of kids staring at him, freckles, bleached bangs, glasses, Tobio gulped, nodding at everyone as Koshi pushed him towards an empty seat, he leaned in close to Tobio’s ear, _“Don’t worry, Mr. Sawamura’s really nice.”_ And with that, Koshi left leaving Tobio suffocating in a circle of teens.

Mr. Sawamura entered a couple seconds later, another body hidden behind his. Tobio knew Mr. Sawamura since the first day he arrived, arms sore and unmovable, Mr. Sawamura had been the first person to talk to him, moving him away from his mother—after the final hugs were given. Mr. Sawamura was nice, he knew that, but he had a stern face and it gave Tobio the chills; he once saw the older male yell at a kid after they knocked over a bucket of warm water and bleach. It hadn’t been a big deal and Mr. Sawamura had apologized for snapping—he was having a bad day, everyone knew that. It was the same day Tooru had left. Mr. Sawamura had showed him to his dorm, with warm hands on Tobio’s shoulders, he had been a police officer before he decided to drop out and help here—at Karasuno, a place for troubled teens. Tobio didn’t care, the most interesting thing about him was the fact he was the only adult that went by their last name.

The circle of kids fell silent, any whispering finished, done, tucked under the rug when the door clicked behind Mr. Sawamura. They were no longer staring at Tobio and the said male let out a breath of relief; there was a light itchiness around his wrists—the doctors had said that would be normal, especially when it was healing; the stitches keeping his hands from falling off. The body behind Mr. Sawamura inched towards the empty chair next to Tobio—unlike everyone else sitting in the circle, the smaller male was allowed a sweatshirt. Tobio was bitter with jealousy, watching the swish of the fabric—he wanted to hide his arms too. Mr. Sawamura watched from the doorway, waiting for everyone to get situated. It was silent, awkward. Mr. Sawamura took a seat in an empty chair besides a boy with freckles and a boy with bleached bangs.

“I see we have some new faces.” Mr. Sawamura’s voice was soft, he swept his eyes over the circle of teens, Tobio stuck his arms between his legs—too aware of the eyes on the bandages. “I guess we should start with introductions, and, if you’re comfortable you can say why you’re here.” Mr. Sawamura leaned on his knees, looking towards the boy with freckles.

“Uhh, um, uhh, oo-oh.” The boy with freckles face grew dark, Tobio kicked a foot out in front of him, before dragging it back, his heel bounced against the carpet. “T-tadashi.” The boy spit out after a couple seconds, before burying his face in his hands—Tobio thought he looked oddly familiar.

“Kei.” The boy who spoke next looked bored, legs crossed over at the ankles head hanging against the back of his chair.

“Yuu.”

“Like You, but with two U’s.”

The boy named Yuu kicked at the boy next to him, socked foot knocking into the taller male. The group watched the small commotion before Mr. Sawamura gave them a glare. The boy who Yuu kicked looked down awkwardly at the floor.

“Ryu.”

“Sounds like a girl’s name.”

Yuu’s comment only started another commotion that ended with chairs pulled apart, and soft glares. The boy next to Tobio shuffled in his chair, he was next.

“Shouyou.” His voice was coarse, he sunk deeper into the fabric of his sweatshirt, another wave of jealousy made Tobio bitter. He grumbled, pushing his arms deeper between his knees, hiding the bandages from sight.

“Tobio.” His chest felt tight when everyone’s eyes fell on him, Mr. Sawamura smiled softly at him.

“Tobio,” He started, “You shouldn’t do that.” Everyone was quiet, their eyes switching from Mr. Sawamura’s hand to the arms pressed between Tobio’s knees. He curled in on himself, it was hard to breath. “Please, Tobio.” Tobio shook his head, rocking it side to side. He took a deep breath, Mr. Sawamura sighed. “Do you want me to get Koshi?” Tobio shook his head, the room was quiet. Tobio knew they weren’t judging him, well for the most part—it was hard to judge people here, but he still felt judged. “Then please don’t squeeze your arms like that.” Mr. Sawamura stood up, shuffling across the circle to stand in front of Tobio, with gentle hands he forced Tobio’s arms to fall against his lap. Tobio’s tongue stuck to the roof of his mouth, his chest constricting his breathing.

“Can I please,” He sucked in a deep breath, Mr. Sawamura let a warm hand fall on Tobio’s shoulder, “Get a sweatshirt.” The last part was a whisper, his eyes stung, _fuck_ , Tobio was so embarrassing. Mr. Sawamura rubbed at Tobio’s shoulder,

“Of course.” Mr. Sawamura smiled softly, turning back around to face the rest of the kids in the circle. “Behave, I’ll be right back. Tobio?” The said male hummed, “Do you want to come with me?” Tobio shook his head, and with a soft nod Mr. Sawamura hurried out the room. It was quiet, eyes shifting awkwardly. Yuu spoke up first, his voice loud, excited, somehow Yuu sounded excited.

“What happened to your arms?”

It was an unspoken rule to not ask people stuff like that, especially not here. Tobio sucked in a deep breath, he didn’t answer, instead he shoved his arms back in between his knees, squeezing hard. There was a soft voice from beside him, a socked foot poking at his sweatpants. _“Shouldn’t do that.”_ It was barely above a whisper, but it made Tobio freeze, knees falling lax his arms hanging loosely between him.

_“Sorry.”_ Tobio whispered back, it was a sharp snap underneath the whispers of the room.

Mr. Sawamura came back a couple minutes, Koshi following behind him. Tobio bit the inside of his cheek, if Koshi took him back now he’d have to come back another day, and then another day and then another day and—

“Here.”

Koshi took a knee in front of him, placing a sweatshirt on Tobio’s lap. The room fell quiet again, Tobio sunk in on himself, he held the soft fabric of the sweatshirt in his hands. Koshi waited until Tobio had slipped the sweatshirt on, Tobio sighed in relief—he hadn’t been able to cover up in so long. “Do you want—”

Tobio stopped him, “No, no I can,” He looked around, everyone was looking at him wide eyed, but nobody seemed surprised, there was no judging glare. Things like this happened a lot, and Tobio had found out fast his first week, there was no reason to fear being weak, at least not here. “I just needed to; can you stay here?” Shimmy up close to the therapists. Koshi seemed surprised, but he didn’t say no. Instead he nodded, giving his familiar warm smile before dragging a chair from the corner to squeeze in next to Tobio and the boy named Tadashi. Mr. Sawamura cleared his throat once everyone was situated,

“Okay so now that that’s taken care of.” Mr. Sawamura laced his fingers together, Tobio muttered a ‘sorry’ under his breath; the only one who noticed being the boy next to him. “How about we raise our hands, who’s done group therapy and who hasn’t?” It was obvious Mr. Sawamura knew, but still the chatter started hands raising up towards the ceiling, Tobio didn’t move. Mr. Sawamura cleared his throat, “Okay, how about, raise your hand if you’ve done group therapy before?” The room of teens fell silent, hands once again shooting up—all but two.

“So just, Tobio and Shouyou?” Mr. Sawamura let his fingers fall apart, elbows resting on his knees, Tobio kicked his feet underneath his chair, eyes fell on him and the small male next to him. The group fell into whispers again, Koshi cleared his throat.

“That means,” Koshi placed a hand on Tobio’s back, “Tobio and Shouyou will be taking room 9.” He smiled warmly at the two boys, while the rest of the group fell back into whispers—Yuu spoke up once again,

“Really!” He kicked his feet back and forth, shoving a socked foot against Ryu’s shin, who, in response kicked Yuu back—harder, Yuu’s chair shifted against the carpet. Koshi’s smile still never wavered, it was Mr. Sawamura’s turn to clear his throat,

“Guys, guys.” His voice was deeper, “Please, calm down.” The group fell silent and Mr. Sawamura leaned back, fingers lacing back together. “I think we should start this by telling everyone why we’re here.” The air felt thick, Tobio sunk deeper into his chair. “Tadashi?” Mr. Sawamura turned towards the freckled male, who’s shot up, shoulders shift and bottom lip wobbling.

“U-uh-uh,” He stuttered, it was obvious everyone was awkward, though nobody protested. They couldn’t protest, this was the point of group therapy. “I uh-uh-uhh don’t like food.” It was whisper, Tadashi shuffled his feet against the carpet, leg bouncing up and down. Mr. Sawamura smiled at the boy, urging him to continue. “I uh-uh-uum-“ Tadashi buried his face in his hands, shaking his head side to side.

“That’s okay, that’s okay.” Mr. Sawamura calmed the awkward circle, “You did good, let’s move on, Kei?” Mr. Sawamura looked towards the bored looking blond, who’s shoulder’s slumped.

“Overdose.” Kei’s voice didn’t waver, his arms folded over his chest. Mr. Sawamura nodded, “That’s it.”

“Okay, okay, Yuu?” Mr. Sawamura brushed off the cold attitude, turning to Yuu who stood up quickly his hands on his hips. He smiled brightly, Tobio wondered where the boy got his energy from.

“I like boys.”

Ryu snickered from behind his hands, “Tell them what kind of boys.”

Yuu’s smile fell, he turned to Ryu, eyebrows creased, lips in a firm line. He slumped back into his seat, falling silent.

“Older boys.” Yuu snapped, turning his head to look towards the door.

“Yuu likes old wrinkling men.” Ryu continued to snicker from behind his hands, Yuu shot up in his seat,

“Nuhuh! I just like older boys.” Yuu folded his arms over his chest,

“Like that Jesus lookin’ boy?” Kei lifted his head, a smirk dancing across his face—Yuu didn’t get a chance to make a remark before Mr. Sawamura was clearing his throat with a soft glare.

“I see things,” Ryu kicked his feet out in front of him, “And hear things.” No remark was made, Yuu too busy slumping in his chair bottom lip worried between his teeth It was quiet for a minute, Koshi was the first one to speak up.

“Do you want to explain?” Everyone knew what Koshi meant by explain, did Ryu want to explain what seeing and hearing things meant? Of course Mr. Sawamura and Koshi knew and it seemed like Yuu knew too, who, had dropped his redenned bottom lip to turn and look at Ryu. The energy in Yuu's eyes was still there, but softer now. Tobio still wondered where Yuu got his energy from.

“I have schizophrenia.” Ryu looked down at the ground, his socked feet reaching out in front of him— he flexed his toes before pulling his feet back. Mr. Sawamura smiled lightly, before he cleared his throat. It broke through the awkward tension of the room.

“Shouyou?” Mr. Sawamura sent one more worried glance in Ryu's different, who was busy hitting the back of his heel against the metal leg of the chair, before turning towards the boy next to Tobio.

Tobio looked at the male next to him, he took one long glance at him, now that his brain wasn’t full of swishing fabric, he caught sight of familiar dead eyes. The dead eyes of someone just admitted, yet, the boy's eyes were more familiar. They weren’t just the eyes of a newly admitted teen, he had seen them before, glazed over with anxiety. Tobio's thoughts were broken when the familiar soft voice that had called out to him before spoke up, it was whisper, full of anxiety, thick with the sound of incoming tears. It shot through Tobio's heart like an arrow, brought back unpleasant memories of his middle school years, and memories from his beginning of ninth grade—just before he was reported, just before he had given up on everything.

“I don’t,” Shouyou's voice shook, Tobio heard the wavering breath, “It was,” Shouyou struggled to suck in air, “my fault anyway, I just, it happened.” Shouyou pulled his right leg up, bottom of his heel resting against the chair, before burying the side of his head next to it. Mr. Sawamura's eyes widened, Tobio didn’t understand why, nor did the rest of the group— each one turning from Mr. Sawamura to Shouyou. Tobio watched from the corner of his eyes, the fabric of the hood fell across Shouyou's shoulder— the hair at the nape of his neck growing out to lose curls that stuck up falling against Shouyou's knee. It was such a bright orange it almost looked unnatural, not that Tobio had never met a ginger before, there was one on the girls’ volleyball team— he knew that because she had asked him out the second month of ninth grade. Her hair was not as bright as Shouyou's hair though.

“We'll talk with Mr. Keiji about that.” Koshi spoke up with his normal soft tone, lips still turned up in that familiar smile of his. Shouyou shook his head, side to side, forehead banging again his knee. He didn’t say anything else though, the attention slowly falling onto Tobio. The air was awkward again, thick and suffocating. Tobio’s tongue stuck to the roof of his mouth, mouth dry, his throat constricted as he tried to form words.

“I-,” He paused, taking in a shaky breath. Koshi was looking at him, large wide eyes, they were pleading him to continue, “I tried to die.” He rushed it, tongue tripping over the words. The circle of teens was quiet, everyone staring at Tobio—Yuu’s mouth dropped open.

“Oh My God,” He sputtered, waving his hands at his sides, “Really! I thought you just had a self-harm problem.” Yuu had no self-control, Tobio wasn’t upset about it like he thought he would be. It loosened up the tension, the air a little less thick.

Mr. Sawamura made a sound between a cough and a chuckle, “Maybe we should wrap this up for today.” The sentence felt forced, Tobio thought he looked blown away—eyes wide glancing from Yuu, to Tobio, to Koshi. “Shouyou, Tobio, If you guys could stay behind, I want to talk to you two.” Mr. Sawamura stood up, he was less composed, somehow it made Tobio feel more human. “Koshi can you accompany everyone to their dorms, or lounge, it doesn’t matter.” His eyes continued to flicker nervously from Yuu, to Tobio, to again Koshi.

Tobio’s throat was less constricted, the air awkward, but the type of awkward that had laughter hidden by hands—like when a teacher makes a mistake in front of the class. The rude bitter laughter buried in the palms of hands, that’s what it felt like. “Mr. Sawamura, I’m not upset.”

Mr. Sawamura seemed surprised as he helped Koshi usher out the rest of the teens, he was slowly regaining his composure. “It’s alright, Tobio. Yuu crossed a line, we’ll talk to him.”

Tobio didn’t try to fight, he just stayed in his seat, the air becoming thick again. Shouyou was quiet, curled up in his chair, his ears were pink. Tobio looked away.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for all the kudos so far, this is blowing up more than I thought. it actually gives me anxiety like i'm scared i'm gonna write something wrong and get completely DEMOLISHED. so, please, please, please tell me if i'm writing something wrong. i know yuu's problem is weird — i did it for a reason though and it's a real thing i've seen people go to therapy for. yuu's going to get his own fic [yes, it's going to be an asanoya] and Ryu! I know his names Ryuunosuke, but he goes by Ryu because it's easier. Everyone is going to be getting their own fics, even the therapists [Koshi, Mr. Keiji and Mr. Sawamura and!! the owl man figurine has a meaning.]
> 
> this is probably going to be one of my biggest projects, but I'm going to see it to the end. I'm someone who think's we should talk about mental health more, it's something that people forget about and I struggle with it everyday. I will come out and be honest right away, I've attempted suicide multiple times and I think this is something we should talk about more; bring more awareness. Everyone has a place here even if you don't think you do, and sometimes I don't think I have a place— but we do and I know it's hard to believe. 
> 
> This series already has a very special place in my heart and for Shouyou's birthday I have already started writing a small fic, it's a beach fic — though it's going to be told in Tobio's POV because it's going to be posted before I post Shouyou's fic. I also made it westernized, because I don't know how Japan treats these topics of how hospitals work there so it's easier this way. 
> 
> Please, please, please tell me your opinions on this story, constructive criticism is greatly appreciated. And if anything I write is wrong, or I've portrayed it wrong, please tell me and I'll change it right away. 
> 
> [Also if anyone's read the book Impulse by Ellen Hopkins this is lightly based on it!! But also, I kind of forgot about it, and then I remembered it after coming up with this idea. So I will give that wonderful author their credit, because that book is one of my biggest inspirations. I read it for class when we were working on poems and it was one of the things that helped me through some of my darkest times — when I was still struggling with self harm. If this story is something you like, you'll totally totally like Impulse and I recommend reading it!!]

* * *

The door clicked loudly behind Tadashi, Mr. Sawamura still clearly shaken up, but more composed than before. He cleared his throat before joining Shouyou and Tobio, he folded his hands atop his knees.

“As Koshi said,” Mr. Sawamura spoke softly, looking back to glance at the now shut door, “You’ll be taking room 9. You both are new to second hall, you’re now a level two patient. Shouyou I know you arrived here Thursday and that Mr. Keiji decided it was best for you to move into a dorm with someone rather than be alone.”

Shouyou had slowly sat up nodding his head at Mr. Sawamura’s words, he seemed to have caught his breath and Tobio made sure not to get caught sending glances towards him, he kept his head down pressing the tops of his toes against the carpeted floor.

“And Tobio, you know your way around here. Koshi thought it was good to pair Shouyou up with a veteran who knows his way around, Shouyou he’ll help you find your way around here.” Mr. Sawamura looked between the two males, Tobio sat up straighter in his seat. Somehow, he felt called out, he had been here for two weeks already, he should have been a level two patient a week ago, but he dragged it on. He didn’t want to have to deal with a roommate, or, talk about his feelings with other teens. He barely even told Koshi his feelings. “Before we show you your new room, Mr. Keiji wants to speak to you Shouyou and Koshi wants to speak with you Tobio.”

Tobio slumped forward, he was starting to feel uncomfortable, the spring heat getting to his head. He just nodded at Mr. Sawamura’s words. He wasn’t surprised, Koshi would probably ask him how he felt about it, if he wanted to, and then he wouldn’t leave room for Tobio to fight. Shouyou moved in his seat, bringing his heels to rest on the edge of the chair.

“So, I’m sharing a room with him.” Shouyou was quiet, voice surprisingly stable as he pointed a very shaky finger in Tobio’s direction. Tobio slumped forward pressing his chin to his chest, nerves sparking up from the tip of Shouyou’s finger.

Mr. Sawamura cleared his throat, “Yes is that a—”

“Not a problem,” Shouyou started, his voice growing louder. He sat up straighter, letting his legs stretch out in front of him—he was like a different person. “He actually seems like a easy roommate, the quiet type. Oh, Mr. Sawamura, right?” Shouyou didn’t leave room for an answer, “Mr. Keiji said I should ask you, but do you think I could get some art supplies. I like watercolor.” Shouyou nodded to himself.

Mr. Sawamura was quiet, lips parted and eyes wide open in surprise. Shouyou was loud, he was different than the boy hiding in Mr. Sawamura’s shadow, he was different than the shuffling, the quiet whispers and the soft brush of a socked foot against Tobio’s leg. He was loud, he was energetic, he bounced his heels against the carpeted floor, the curls in his hair loose and floppy. Tobio sat up, just enough to roll his shoulders; his wrists itched, his skin felt hot.

“Oh, yes, I can hook you up with so—” Mr. Sawamura turned towards the door, it creaked open Koshi’s familiar warm smile shining into the room. And there Shouyou went, as still as a rock once again curled in on himself. Tobio uncomfortably shifted in his seat, his roommate was a complete mystery.

“Sorry if I interrupted, but Daichi you’re needed at the front desk.” Koshi let the door open completely stepping in, his warm familiar smile never faltered, “And Mr. Keiji’s ready to see Shouyou.”

Tobio watched Mr. Sawamura stand up quickly, it was weird to hear his first name, especially from Koshi. Mr. Sawamura made a couple hushed comments to Koshi before he was out the door and rushing down the hall.

Koshi turned towards the two teens, “Sorry about that guys.” Shouyou pulled his heels back up to the edge the chair. “Can you two follow me, Mr. Keiji’s ready and I want to speak with you, Tobio.” Koshi’s smile still never faltered, he waited patiently by the door keeping it open with his shoulder to allow the two boys to exit.

Tobio and Shouyou follow Koshi down the hall—it was new route Tobio didn’t know, down the hall of open dorms, past a lounge Tobio didn’t know existed and through two swinging white doors. Shouyou was quiet, keeping his shoulder’s hunched over. It made Tobio nervous, it scared him, he didn’t understand how Shouyou could change his attitude from quiet, to loud, to quiet again. They passed the familiar stairs that lead to the children’s quarter and the familiar elevator that took Tobio down to the doctor’s office. It wasn’t long until they were back in the hall of offices, the sound of hushed voices from the front entrance echoing around the hall. Mr. Keiji was standing in the doorway of his office, looking both ways down the hall. When he saw Shouyou come around the corner he smiled softly stepping aside to let Shouyou pass. Koshi waited for Mr. Keiji’s door to click shut before ushering Tobio into his own office.

“So, Tobio,” Koshi sat down behind his desk, waiting for Tobio to get his usual carton of milk from the fridge. “How was group therapy?”

Tobio took a seat in the chair in front of Koshi’s desk, plastic straw between his lips and once again his eyes landed on the figurine of the owl man; Tobio felt like screaming at the ceiling too. He didn’t know why, but the urge to scream, to cry, to throw himself off a high ledge it was all eating away at him and he didn’t know why. Not knowing why he was upset made him feel even worse, and everyone expected him to just be able to explain it. Why he was feeling sad. Why he did what he did. But he couldn’t and that was the worst feeling.

“It was fine.” Tobio took another gulp of milk, he let it sit in the inside of his cheek. Koshi’s hands were folded limply against the wood of his desk, he peered down at him.

“You know, Tobio.” Koshi leaned back, his hands followed him, falling into his lap. “You never did tell me what happened.”

Tobio let the mouthful of milk fall down his throat, he bit his tongue, “Tell you what?” Tobio didn’t know why his voice was so mean, it was a snap, like a knife slicing across things. Sharp and fast. Koshi didn’t look taken aback though, his smile faltered, that was the first time Tobio has seen his falter. He felt…guilty. “So—”

“No, I’m sorry. I know that’s a tough topic.” Koshi’s smile only faltered for a second, just a second, but it was back. His smile was back, warm and familiar and brighter than before. The guilt Tobio felt only seemed to grow, he didn’t mean to snap. “I just hope that you talk about it with… everyone else. They’re all just like you, Tobio, and, like me, Mr. Keiji and Mr. Sawamura they’re there to listen and help you.”

“How can a group of fucked up teens help me.” Again, it slipped out before Tobio could stop it. Alongside the guilt was a puddle of annoyance and he didn’t know why. He didn’t know why he was getting so irritated, so upset. He felt, he felt… misunderstood. “Can you just show me to my dorm.”

Koshi looked upset, his warm familiar smile gone leaving nothing but a straight line. He didn’t comment on Tobio’s language, but Tobio saw something in his eyes. _Disappointment_.

“Koshi I’m so—”

“Don’t worry about it, Tobio.” Koshi stood up, his normal straightened posture slumped. “I’ll go see if Mr. Keiji and Shouyou are ready.” And that was it, the door clicked behind him softly. Tobio was alone.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck.”

Tobio couldn’t breathe, he messed up. He messed up so bad, his own bitter feelings had gotten the best of him and he had, he had messed up any connections he had with Koshi. He would have to start from scratch. Tobio’s chest ached, he threw his half empty carton of milk away; he no longer felt like he deserved the treat Koshi had bought for him. The ache only seemed to grow, weighing his chest down suffocating him. Koshi’s office was dark, and this time the comfort he found in the figurines was gone. He felt mocked, made fun of. The worst part was, he didn’t know why.

The door creaked open a couple minutes later and it wasn’t who Tobio had expected. Shouyou looked nervous, the hood of his sweatshirt halfway on his head, lose curls falling across his forehead. Tobio didn’t say anything, just turned back around in his seat. The door clicked softly, Tobio expected Shouyou to be gone, but instead the shorter male took the seat next to him.

“Whe—”

“Mr. Keiji told me to wait in here,” Shouyou was back to being loud, legs bouncing up and down. “They’re doing a room check.”

Tobio nodded. Right, Tobio remembered when they found a bag of crack hidden in the wall of a teens room. It had been a mess, and, it was only his third day there. That was when he met Tooru. There was a tinge of anxiety though, what if they found something, but that was silly. His room was empty anyway, aside from his three pairs of clothes and two pairs of sneakers.

“The soap here doesn’t smell like anything.” Shouyou spoke loudly, leaning forward to pick up one of Koshi’s figurines. It was a superhero one, but Tobio didn’t know what it was from.

He shuffled uncomfortable in his seat, “Clean doesn’t smell like anything.” Tobio had a strange urge to slam his healing wrists against the corner of the desk.

“Yeah, but I wish it did.” Shouyou fell quiet again, slumping forward he carefully placed the figurine back on Koshi’s desk.

“Sorry about that you two.” Koshi stood in the doorway, his bright smile back—Tobio felt another wave of guilt wash over him. “It’s a rule we have to move your stuff, Mr. Keiji’s going to show you two to your dorm. I have an appointment in a couple minutes.”

* * *

Tobio followed Mr. Keiji through the swinging white doors again, passing the familiar staircase and the familiar elevator. Shouyou was behind him, dragging his socked feet across the cool tiled floors. Second hall was loud, and when they passed the lounge Tobio knew why. There was a flat screen TV hanging on the wall, a swarm of teens huddled on the two worn out floral couches. Shouyou sped up when they passed the lounge, slumping beside Tobio; hiding in his shadow. Tobio moved forward and Shouyou followed him, continuing to slump into Tobio’s shadow.

Room 9 was two doors away from the room group therapy, in between the bathroom and room 10. It was bigger than Tobio expected, a bunk bed pressed onto the left wall, and two dressers against the opposite wall. There was a window on the wall facing the door, it was nailed shut—Tobio shivered thinking about the reason it was. Mr. Keiji stayed in the hallway, watching the two teens enter the dorm.

“I’ll be in the lounge down the hall if you need me,” Mr. Keiji smiled slightly. “The bathroom’s next door.”

Tobio nodded dryly before turning back around to scan the room. It was nothing special, but it was better than his level one dorm—that felt like an isolation chamber.

“Bottom bunks mine.” Tobio spoke up first, lowering himself underneath the top bunk. The bed was even softer than his other one, he sighed.

“Hey that’s not fair.” Shouyou whined, he was loud again, posture straightening out. “What if I have a fear of heights?”

Tobio thought for a minute, turning onto his side to face Shouyou. “Too bad then.”

Shouyou stood in the middle of the room, arms crossed protectively in front of him, bottom lip jutting out. He grumbled, “My name’s Shouyou.”

“I know.” Tobio was confused, of course he knew what his name was. It had been repeated about a hundred times that day, at least.

“Wait, you remembered?” Shouyou seemed surprised, his eyes widening—Tobio noticed they were a warm shade of brown.

“You didn’t?” Tobio turned around, the sheets rustling loudly. Shouyou didn’t say anything, Tobio sighed. “It’s Tobio.”

This was going to be a long two weeks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I realized something when I was rewatching haikyuu. I thought I was pretty much writing Tobio [my focus at the moment is Tobio's character, this is his side of the story] out of character. And I was going to apologize, but then I realized I wasn't. So here's a little character break down for anyone who's interested. 
> 
> Tobio's 14 — he's a ninth grader or a freshman in America. Shouyou is also 14. The other characters ages are 14-16. So his backstory is the canon backstory — the abandonment from his middle school volleyball team. Tobio in this story didn't get to go into high school and meet Shouyou, he didn't get to go into high school and learn what a loving supporting team is. Instead he went into high school fearing rejection, and most of all hating himself for being the King everyone called him. So, that's why he's quiet, he's not being a jerk or saying mean things. Okay, that's all I wanted to say, all the other characters will get explained too!! 
> 
> — KILLIE.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How (demo) by Clairo 
> 
> [i just really like that song]

* * *

There was a small painful bump on the tip of Tobio's tongue and it annoyed him to no end. Carefully, he pressed the tip of his finger against it, it stung—he pressed down harder on it with the tip of his nail. He probably got it from dinner when he bit his tongue, he had hidden himself away in the corner of the cafeteria away from the watchful gaze of others. Tobio rolled around to lay on his side, the bed was comfortable; more comfortable than his other dorm, but not as comfortable as his bed at home. Not that he really missed being home, there wasn’t much there for him—though it was a lot better than this place. It was hard to disappear into the background here, every adult in this place had their eyes on every teen. Even if you felt alone, you could never truly be alone here. Tobio didn’t know what this place was supposed to do, or, how it was supposed to help him, but his mother thought it would help him. She had brushed him off with one kiss to his cheek, and an awkward arm around his shoulders. Even when he needed her the most, he still disappeared into the back of her mind. The bed above Tobio creaked loudly, and then a head of curls peeked down at Tobio. Shouyou hung there for a minute, eyes wide, at a lost for words, and then—

“Do you know when they turn off the hall light?”

Tobio blinked up at the male, it was too dark to see his face clearly, but even so his red mess of curls was visible—a darker orange than before, but still a prominent almost unnatural color. Tobio turned away from the boy,

“No.”

“Oh okay.” Shouyou’s bed creaked again, Tobio watched the bottom of the mattress move up and down between the wood base. It was quiet again, and it was awkward. Shouyou was louder than Tobio expected, he moved around too much, and he spoke too much and he took way too long to find a comfortable position. That was everything Tobio had learned about the boy in the span of one day—and still, he was a mystery to Tobio. How could someone go from, loud and confident to, slumping over and hiding in the shadows. Shouyou was the first person Tobio had seen who could successfully disappear into the background. The first idea Tobio had was that Shouyou had some sort of personality disorder, but that, Tobio didn’t really know how personality disorder worked. Tobio sighed,

“How long does it take you to get comfortable? ”

Shouyou’s bed made another loud creak, “S-sorry.”

“No, it’s fine.” Tobio turned around again, laying on his back, he stared up at the bed on top of him. It fell quiet again and then Shouyou was moving again, the bed groaning and creaking and shaking. Tobio didn’t say anything, just let his eyes close an annoyed sigh bubbling up his throat. Again, there was a weird puddle of annoyance growing in his stomach, eating at his mind, it made him want to scream. He hadn’t felt this way since, since, Tobio’s mouth fell dry. He hadn’t felt this way since middle school, the feeling of being so annoyed the want to scream and throw something—throw someone. Shouyou’s bed creaked again, and then it made a low groan—the shaky wood hitting the wall.

“Can you stop.” Tobio snapped, his head spinning as he tried to stop the feeling of annoyance. If he couldn’t throw something, the need to hurt himself happened. He’d do anything to relieve the sense of frustration. Shouyou didn’t say anything, but he stopped moving. The room was quiet again.

“Can I—”

“No.”

“But I—”

“No.”

“You’re mean.” Shouyou’s voice pierced through Tobio’s heart like a dagger. He hissed in pain. Shouyou’s bed groaned again.

“I thought I told you to stop.” Tobio’s voice had lost its bite, lost beneath the darkness of the room. Shouyou’s bed creaked again, it shook.

“Sorry, my back just,” Shouyou’s bed groaned, “my back hurts.”

“Put a pillow between your knees.” Tobio turned over on his side, closing his eyes. Shouyou moved again, the sound of his pillow slicing through the air loud in the almost silent room. And then it settled, the bed stopped creaking. Tobio sighed in relief, pushing an arm beneath his pillow.

“Thanks.” Shouyou whispered again, the bed gave a small creak, but that was it. Tobio gave a tired hum, bringing his knee up higher.

* * *

When Tobio opened his eyes it was still dark, the hallway light that had been leaking through the crack of the door off. Shouyou’s bed creaked again, Tobio tried his best to ignore it—looking towards the dresser. There was a small neon alarm clock Tobio hadn’t noticed before, it blinked up at Tobio with the numbers of early morning. Shouyou’s bed gave another low groan, this one strong enough to shake Tobio’s bed. He opened his mouth to speak and then he heard it, a long low cry. It was thick, muffled by fabric and low with the sound of a stuffed-up nose. Tobio’s mouth fell shut, his heart banged against his ribcage. He stayed still and listened, Shouyou let out another cry of misery—it stabbed at Tobio’s chest, made it feel heavy. The only time he’d heard someone cry was the distant one’s from Koshi’s office, or the cries in the cafeteria—where an adult would rush to the side of the teen ushering them out. Tobio had never been faced with the challenge of someone crying, aside from the many girls Tobio had rejected. Again, Shouyou cried out again, it sounded sleepy, thick and low, and scared.

Tobio didn’t know what to do, should he go and get someone? Even if Mr. Keiji had turned in for the night, there was someone waiting in the lounge, someone on duty, someone who wasn’t Tobio— with his normal puddle of annoyance growing. His mouth fell open again, a sleep filled grumble that silenced the muffled cries.

“Shouyou?”

Shouyou's bed groaned, banging against the wall, his movement shook Tobio's bed and then it fell quiet, still.

“Shouyou?” Tobio tried again, if he could get the male to answer him, he could instruct him to go to the lounge where someone was waiting, someone who again wasn’t Tobio. There was another long low cry and then something that sounded like choking—loud and deep, a gagging sound. Tobio shot up, his head just barely missing the bed above him. The sound happened again, more violent this time—it shook the bunkbed (top and bottom).

_“Let go of me!”_

Tobio’s breath caught in his throat as the bed gave another creak, another groan as the shaky wood banged into the wall. Shouyou cried out again, another long groan of misery and then—voice shaky, hoarse and so, so scared. Shouyou whispered,

_“A-are they gone?”_

Tobio stared up at the bed in front of him, watching the mattress move with the weight of Shouyou’s body.

“W-what.” Tobio’s voice was deep and sleep filled, Shouyou was quiet—the bed creaked again, Shouyou’s weight shifting side to side.

“To—” Shouyou sat up violently, the sound of his head banging against the low ceiling louder than any creak Tobio had heard that night. It was loud and hollow—made Tobio wonder if Shouyou even had a brain, and most of all it sounded painful. Shouyou made another cry of misery, this time more awake. Tobio’s chest felt heavy, another wave of guilt and annoyance washing over him.

_“Are yo—”_

“Sorry, I guess I had a nightmare.” Shouyou’s voice was sleepy, his bed creaking with excess movement, the sheets rustling loudly.

It slipped out before Tobio could stop it, low and mean, “How old are you?”

Shouyou was quiet, the bed gave another creak, “S-sorry for waking you up.”

The guilt grew heavy in Tobio’s chest, growing and larger washing out the puddle of annoyance, “No it’s—What was your dream about?”

Shouyou’s bed creaked again, followed by the sound of his sheets rustling, and then it was quiet. Shouyou seemed to be thinking and Tobio almost thought the male had fallen back to sleep and then he spoke, quieter than before—Tobio pictured Shouyou and his red curls slumped behind Mr. Sawamura’s shadow.

“ _Zombies_.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just because im curious, how old do you guys think I am? I don't know if I should expose my age, I'm probably younger than what everyone thinks 😔
> 
> y'all i get so emotional when you guys say you like my writing, like someone gets excited when i update. they get excited when i update my trash fic i- so thank you so much cause the comments really motivate me to update more regularly!!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN ANNOUNCEMENT / so I have a tumblr if anyone's interested, you can send me questions and maybe I'll post about updates my username is oveath-shouyyou (and maybe i'll post about my favorite fics I like to read if anyone's interested in what I read on ao3 and stuff)

* * *

By the time Tobio woke up the bump on his tongue was gone and Shouyou’s bed was empty. The door to their dorm was left ajar, propped open by a small piece of wood. Tobio turned away from it, closing his eyes again. There was exhaustion weighing his body down, he felt heavy, a yawn pushed past his lips. There was a puddle of dread in his chest, joining the weird puddle of sadness. He didn’t know why he felt this way, he didn’t understand his feelings and he didn’t for the life of him know how to explain them.

“Tobio.” Mr. Keiji poked his head into the dorm, he looked as exhausted as Tobio, curls dropping in front of his eyes. He knocked on the door frame, leaning against it. Tobio turned over onto his side, squinting his eyes at the older male. “It’s time for breakfast, bud.” Tobio internally cringed at the nickname, but still sluggishly sat up. His wrists felt sore, the weight from his body pulling on the stitches. Mr. Keiji waited for Tobio in the doorway, watching the younger male brush his bangs back with a shaky hand.

Tobio sleepily followed Mr. Keiji down the hall and past the lounge, it was quiet—the TV a black mirror. The swinging white doors were propped open, the hall of offices eerie, and when they passed Tobio’s old dorm the puddles of dread and sadness grew. The cafeteria was at the end of the first hall, large glass windows overlooking the crowded space. The kitchen was to the left of the entrance, a line of teens already forming at the propped open doors—there were a couple posters with “motivational” quotes taped up on the walls. It was crowded, loud with early morning conversations. The tables were long and lined up one after the other with one smaller table in the front of the cafeteria for whichever adult was chaperoning breakfast—this time it was an older female. She was still in her pajamas, black hair tied up high on her head. Tobio had seen her around, but never learned her name. She was having a deep conversation with—Tobio squinted his eyes—was that Tadashi? While pointed at different pieces of food on his tray.

Tobio joined the crowd of teens in line for breakfast, grabbing a carton of milk and a fruit cup when it was his turn. The lady behind the counter gave him a look but let him exit without a word. Tobio didn’t like to eat much in the morning, he’d get an uncomfortable feeling in his stomach like he was about to throw up, his hands would get all clammy and his head would spin.

The cafeteria was humid, the conversations around him loud, but hushed. Tobio glanced around the cafeteria for an empty table, he usually went for the one in the far right near three small white refrigerators, but it was taken up—he really should of waken up earlier, but he had been kept up last night by a certain redhead.

“Tobio!”

He heard it before he saw him, Shouyou had his hands cupped around his mouth, red curls poofed up around his head like a halo. Yuu was across from him, hair just as wild. Shouyou let his hands fall, lips turning into a huge smile as he ushered Tobio over. Tobio groaned but joined the two energetic boys at the mostly empty table. He didn’t understand how Shouyou could go from silent cries, to large smiling energetic eyes. He was a mystery, one Tobio didn’t think he wanted to solve.

“No sweatshirt today?” Yuu picked at his fried potatoes, eyes glowing with energy. Tobio looked down at his bare arms, they still felt sore, the gauze tighter than usual; he shifted uncomfortably. Though, he made no move to hide his arms, instead he busied himself with opening the plastic straw for his milk.

“You’re bleeding.” Shouyou was looking at his arms now, his fork dropping to his tray so he could reach a hand out and poke at the side of Tobio’s wrist. Tobio became rigid, bringing his hand to his chest in a panic, sure enough there was a small red patch on the side of his gauze. “Should I get someon—”

“No it’s fine.” Tobio picked the straw off the table, stabbing it into the top of his milk, he must of accidently opened the wound while he was sleeping. Shouyou didn’t stop staring at the small red patch on Tobio’s wrist, but he picked up his fork again.

“Right you guys are in room 9 now?” Yuu looked up at Tobio and Shouyou, eyes bouncing between them as he ripped open a container of apple sauce. The small piece of tin left behind seemed to bother him, as he went straight work ripping it off. Tobio awkwardly nodded. “That used to be my room, but I was moved when my roommate…” Yuu picked up a wrapped plastic spoon, hands shaky—the energy in his eye’s was starting to seep out, “When my roommate left.” Yuu nodded to himself.

“Really!?” Shouyou seemed mildly interested, “I thought Ryu had always been your roommate, you guys seem really close.”

“Ahh he was at my volleyball academy.” Yuu ripped open the spoon, “But we only played a couple games together before I got admitted here. Had a fling with the couch.” Yuu’s shoulders dropped at the last part.

“You played volleyball?” Tobio perked up at the mention of volleyball, the tip of his plastic straw between his teeth.

“Yeah, number one libero here!” Yuu pointed at himself with his thumbs, grinning widely.

“I-“ Tobio started, but Shouyou beat him to it, his voice loud and excited.

“Really!? I’m not much of a sports person, I draw and paint. I really like watercolor, but I always wanted to play volleyball. Especially the ace, or spiker, are they the same thing? I wanted to fly like them, ‘cause I’m really short and they get to see up high!” Shouyou sounded childish with his loud ramble, his brown eyes sparkling, full of excitement—they were different than the dead eyes Tobio remembered seeing. Shouyou was weird, he was loud, and Tobio was so sure that this boy had personality disorder, but Tobio again didn’t really know how personality disorder worked.

Yuu laughed loudly, popping open a small plastic container of what Tobio presumed to be cinnamon, “You paint!?” He was just as loud as Shouyou, “That’s really cool, I wanna see some of your work.” Yuu shoved a mouthful of applesauce into his mouth, the energy in his eyes back and Tobio thought they looked brighter.

“Uhuh’ I go to this really nice art school, well it’s just another gross public school, but they have these really advanced art classes. And everyone’s really talented and I saw this one girls paintbrush go like whoosh and she made these really pretty roses and then turned the roses into faces. She was r-really n-ni—” And then it happened, Tobio watched the light leave Shouyou’s eyes, and he was slumping again, hands shaky as they fell into his lap. Tobio saw something that looked like fear wash over the shorter male, Yuu froze spoon halfway in his mouth and half out, a drop of applesauce fell to the table. Tobio chewed on the tip of the straw, he was unsure of what to do, just like earlier this morning. At least Yuu had some clue on what to do, he swallowed his spoonful of applesauce before setting the spoon down.

“Shouyou?” Yuu leaned over the table, to reach a hand out to rest of Shouyou’s shoulder, but when the red head flinched away almost falling off the bench Yuu moved away just as fast, “Shouyou I’m sorry I didn’t mean to scare you.” Yuu’s was speaking fast, but his voice had lost the loud tone; it was quiet, Tobio thought it sounded almost soothing, calming.

“I-it’s f-fine.” Shouyou sounded like he was on the verge of tears, voice forced out between gritted teeth. “I-I’m o-okay.”

“Do you want met to get Ms. Kiyoko! She’s really nice I promise, she’s my therapist. And, and she works in the doctor’s office downstairs.”

“I-i k-know.” Shouyou lifted a shaky hand to his face, rubbing at his eyes. Tobio felt uncomfortable sitting next to him, he didn’t know what to do, it was a terrible feeling really, not knowing how to help someone who, for some reason, Tobio wanted to help. Even though he didn’t want to put the puzzle that was Shouyou together he still wanted to help him.

“Here, I’ll, I’ll get Ms. Kiyoko.” Yuu went to stand up, he was jittery, bouncing with nerves of concern.

“No!” Shouyou stopped him, reaching a hand out to grab onto Yuu’s fist. Tobio was startled by his raise in tone, Yuu slowly sat back down. “It’s okay. Um, where’s Ryu?” Shouyou picked up his fork again quickly shoveling fried potatoes into his mouth.

Yuu still jittery with nerves of concern took awhile to answer, hands fiddling with a juice box, “Oh, I think he’s with Mr. Sawamura. He had a hallucination this morning, it was really bad. I’m not sure what he even saw, but he was freaking out.” Yuu nodded to himself again, giving a worried glance towards Shouyou before turning back towards his applesauce. “Oh Tobio!” His voice was muffled by a mouthful of applesauce.

Tobio looked up from his fruit cup, a small piece of peach falling off the tip of his fork, “U-um yeah?” Tobio nervously sent a glance towards Shouyou who was still busy shoving fried potatoes into his mouth, before looking towards Yuu who had a very unappealing drip of applesauce down his chin.

“About room 9.” He stopped shoving another mouthful of applesauce in his mouth. Tobio took this time to eat a couple pieces of a peach, nervously looking between the slumping Shouyou and the energetic Yuu.

Yuu cleared his throat, _“Did they get the stain out?”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm not sure if this is a filler chapter, but I did drop some information about Yuu and the Jesus lookin' boy (which we all know who that is) and some information about Shouyou. Please come talk to me on tumblr, i'm lonely agslagaka, I'm nice too!! I promise.
> 
> edit — I feel like this chapter is shit, i'm not sure if it even help the story progress and it doesn't really focus on tobio agskagalaga mental breakdown 😔 but i promise i'll get my shit together and give you guys a good fucking chapter tomorrow or smth cause this is not it (so let's just call this a filler/ that has important information)


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT IMPORTANT IMPORTANT
> 
> PLEASE CHECK OUT THIS LINK TO SEE WHAT YOU CAN DO ABOUT THE LASTEST NEWS :
> 
> https://blacklivesmatters.carrd.co/
> 
> edit — i just want to add some more on the issue and speak my opinion. what's going on with this shit is fucking terrible, innocent people are literally getting killed by the people who are supposed to be keeping us SAFE. but you know what they do they fucking murder innocent fucking people and for what?? okay, just because their skin color is a different color doesn't mean they're any less of a person — if you feel threatened by someone just because their skin tone is another color, you have something wrong with you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> continuation from above — please please sign the petitions or text the numbers. it doesn't matter what your skin tone is, speak up. this is important, it's 2020 and we're still basing people based on their skin color. police are literally murdering innocent people just because they're black. they've murdered literal children before. its not okay, it's fucked, and we all need to speak up. 
> 
> if you lived outside the US you can use these zipcodes ( 90015, 10001, 75001) 

* * *

Thursday came slowly, it was boring here—after all time went by at snail speed. Tobio spent the three days before Thursday tucked into the corner of the lounge watching TV or reading a book, or he’d spend time in his dorm, but after the very awkward conversation Tobio had with Yuu Monday morning he stayed far away from the window.

The hall of offices was eerily quiet, the front doors didn’t open and close and nobody passed. Tobio lowered himself to the ground, pulling his knees to his chest. There was no crying child today, but Koshi’s door was firmly shut and Tobio took that as a que to wait outside. The air conditioning was on, cooling the used to be humid hallway. Just last week Tobio remembered the sliding doors opening and closing the spring heat making it humid, but it was cold now. It smelled strongly of a doctor’s office, a scent Tobio got used to over the couple weeks he had spent here. It used to make him sick, make his stomach churn, but now he almost found comfort in the sterol smell of cleaners and hand-sanitizer. It was much better than at home, where his mother’s copious amounts of perfume made his head spin. He picked at the tops of his nail with his teeth, a habit that sent most adults here into crazy mode, but nobody was around to tell him to stop or hand him a useless stress ball. Koshi’s office door creaked open, and slowly a teen inched out. Freckled face red, lip wobbly and bitten raw, Tadashi rushed past Tobio—socked feet sliding against the polished linoleum floors.

It was quiet for a couple minutes after that, Koshi’s door left ajar. There was rustling coming from the opened door, Koshi seemed busy. There was a weird heavy feeling on Tobio’s chest, pressing down and down and do—

“Tobio, you can come in.” Koshi peaked his head out, ushering Tobio in, who, hurried to his feet. Koshi settled behind his desk, while Tobio did the normal of grabbing a small carton of milk from the small refrigerator in the corner. The heavy feeling on his chest only seemed to grow as he sat down.

“So Tobio, how’s having a roommate going?” Koshi leaned forward on his hands, staring at him with stern eyes. He meant business today, the heavy feeling pressed down hard.

“It’s,” Tobio stopped, struggled with shaky hands to press the plastic straw in the top, “It’s different.”

Koshi nodded, “Do you like it?”

“Well I haven’t,” Tobio chewed on the tip of the straw, “I haven’t really gotten close with Shouyou.”

“Well that happens over time, don’t rush it.” Koshi’s smile was warm and unwavering, Tobio gave him just a bit achievement, he gave him a feeling that he was getting somewhere. Tobio nodded. “About what happened in middle school, Tobio.” Tobio’s heart dropped, “I got ahold of some of your records, it says you got suspended from after school activities for,” Koshi stopped, squinting his eyes at Tobio. “Unfair play?”

“It was the teams fault!” The weight on Tobio’s chest lifted, a newfound feeling of anger, frustration and annoyance washing over him.

“To—”

“No, it was their fault. It was their fault, they, they didn’t take it seriously.” Tobio’s body was burning, his chest was heaving—his mind was running on adrenaline, his heart felt tight. “And then they just blamed me, okay, and I didn’t… I didn’t meeeean to punch him. But—”

“Tobio.”

“He started it.”

Koshi sighed, lacing his fingers together and leaning back, “You punched someone?”

“I—” Tobio slumped back into his seat, he pushed the straw back into his mouth. It fell silent, Koshi stared at him with wide eyes, waiting for an answer. “Maybe.” Tobio forced it out through gritted teeth.

“Well that’s new information, it didn’t say that on your record.”

Tobio swallowed a mouthful of milk, the anger hot in his chest. It was quiet again, Koshi staring at him waiting and waiting and waiting and wai—

“That’s cause it was an accident.” Tobio spoke as if it was obvious, voice low and deep and mean.

“Don’t mind me, but,” Koshi leaned forward, some sort of gleam in his eyes, but his smile stayed warm and unwavering. “How do you accidently punch someone?”

Tobio took a deep breath, in through in nose and out from his mouth. “You just do, okay?” Tobio squeezed the carton of milk, the last bit slipping down his throat—before he tossed it in the trashcan.

“You have a doctors appointment tomorrow.” Koshi changed the subject with ease, eyes flickering from Tobio’s anger red cheeks and the crush carton of milk in the trash can, Tobio knew, he just knew Koshi felt like he was getting somewhere, but he wasn’t. Tobio would make sure of that. “How your hands doing, wrists sore?”

Tobio shook his head, side to side. The anger in his chest was still hot, growing pushing up his throat, begging to get out. Begging for him to let it out, throw a tantrum, throw himself against the floor and scream. Tobio hated this feeling, the feeling of not being able to control his feelings. He was either two seconds away from throwing something, himself or someone else or two seconds away from crying and screaming and throwing a tantrum that had his mother pulling at his arms and forcing him into time out.

“Tobio?”

“They’re fine.”

“How are you liking, Shouyou? He’s the first person I’ve seen you talk to in awhile.”

“He’s fine.”

Koshi continued to push, “Tobio—”

_“I’m fine.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahh just a reminder i have a tumblr and you should really come talk to me my usernames oveath-shouyyou !! you can ask me questions, writing tips, I'm also opening it up for you guys to send me fics, so if you want me to read your fic just send me a link on tumblr or tell me the title!! i'll basically read anything from any fandom and if i like it, I'll give you a shoutout or post about it on my tumblr agskahal! 
> 
> thank you so much for all your comments and kudos, I really really appreciate it!!


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> __
> 
> _softcore - the neighbourhood ___  
> 

Tobio was kept up by another night of Shouyou’s bed creaking and groaning and when he awoke in the morning Shouyou was just climbing down from his bed—red hair a mess of tangled curls and brown eyes wet and droopy. He had large purple bags under his eyes and he dragged his feet when he walked. Tobio watched him slip on the bottom rail of the ladder just barely catching himself on the side of the railing knuckles white. Tobio muffled a laugh in his sheets, pressing the corner of the scratchy fabric to his mouth. Shouyou grumbled squinting towards Tobio.

“Mornin’.” His voice was heavy with sleep, mouth opening to expose a large yawn that was contagious, Tobio yawned into the back of his hand sitting up slowly. The tight heavy feeling in his chest was still present, but less strong. There was a lingering feeling of sadness swarming his head, it left him dazed, but he brushed it off with another yawn.

“Morning.” Tobio threw the sheets to the side, rubbing at his sleepy eyes; vision blurry. Shouyou watched him with bright pink cheeks, running a hand through his hair his fingertips getting caught in the curls.

“Um can you?”

Tobio looked towards the shorter male, his hair was as unnatural as ever. He gave a tired hum standing up to stretch his arms above his head, his bed gave his body a cramped feeling.

“Can you help me get to the cafeteria. I didn’t wanna wake you up yesterday and I ended up getting lost and Yuu had to help me.” Shouyou looked down at his feet, bouncing side to side on the balls of his feet.

“Yeah, I just need to piss first.” Tobio yawned into his hand again, the lingering feeling of sadness left him tripping over his feet on the way to the bathroom next door.

The bathroom was large, four sinks with one huge rectangular mirror in front of them, three stalls and two showers both surrounded on all four sides by a blue shower curtain. The walls were a dull red, the tiles cracked and chipped on the sides. Tobio thought it looked like a mixture of the bathrooms at campgrounds and something straight out of a horror movie. One of the showers were in use, the sound of the water hitting the ceramic floor of the shower loud, echoing around the large bathroom.

Tobio took his time, staring at the dull red tiles of the wall in front of him. Ever since Shouyou had arrived, ever since he looked into the bright brown eyes of the redhead with his hair so orange it looked unnatural his brain had been going in swirls. Tobio had always had trouble with his feelings, the puddles that grew and grew until he couldn’t control the anger and frustration running through his veins. But it had been half a year since he had the breakdown, the scream that fought through his lips and echoed around the gym—it was happening all over again, the screams, the anger, the swirl of his thoughts, the power behind the negative actions that made his skin itch. It was happening all over again, and Koshi’s warm smile urged words out of his mouth—the _‘I don’t know.’_ the _‘urges.’_ Tobio felt relief for seconds, the little words that slipped from his mouth—the feelings that ate away at him, it brought relief to let it out and then the guilt swirled around his brain. He was a bother, a nuisance and then the smile Koshi wore that always felt so warm and familiar lost its glow and left Tobio with a bitter heavy painful feeling in his heart. It weighed him down causing urges that bubbled beneath his skin.

The bathroom door creaked open, “Tobio?”

Shouyou’s voice was almost lost beneath the echo of the shower, Tobio hurried his sweatpants back over his hips inching out of the stall. Shouyou stood in the doorway, his curls tangled, hands fiddling in front of his body. He seemed nervous, glancing around the bathroom—eyes dull, Tobio’s brain seemed to go blank, his wrists itchy. Shouyou watched Tobio stagger to the sink, fingers wrung together—Tobio felt sick, his heart dropping to his stomach. The realization he had to step into the shaky elevator made his head spin even more, and then Shouyou’s brown eyes blinked at him with red curls that just fell around his head like a halo. The water felt like ice against his hands, and Shouyou was right the soap didn’t smell like anything—the scentless gel and the very strong scent of sterol cleaners made Tobio want to throw up right there. Shouyou stayed quiet, pulling at the strands of his hair behind his ear, while Tobio let the cold water run for a couple minutes.

“Are we going to be late?” Shouyou bounced from one foot to the other, he swayed from side to side bottom lip worried between his teeth.

Tobio dried his hands on his sweatpants turning towards the shorter male, Shouyou scurried to the side, but Tobio ignored him. He shrugged his shoulders, brushing past Shouyou and out the bathroom door.

Shouyou followed quickly behind him, slumped foreword as he continued to pull at the loose curls behind his ear. The doors to everyone’s dorm were slowly starting to get propped open, a very sleep Tadashi with a mess of brown hair was just exiting his dorm. Shouyou perked up at the sight of the taller male, Tobio watched him with confusion.

“Morning Tadashi!”

Tadashi seemed taken aback by the confrontation, but the confusion soon turned into a smile.

“Mornin’, Shouyou.”

Tobio waited impatiently for the energetic redhead to stop his conversation, but he just kept talking and talking. Tobio yawned into the palm of his head, there was an annoyed feeling growing, rushing through him. It became an urge, an urged that made his skin itch, made his fingers squirm.

“I’ll show you after breakfast! Sorry, Tobio, we can go now.” Shouyou bounced on the balls of his feet, Tobio stared down at him. His heart felt heavy, his lungs felt empty.

“O-oh, okay.” Tobio started down the hall again, Tadashi waved another goodbye to Shouyou before continuing his journey to what Tobio suspected was the bathroom. “What was that about?”

Shouyou seemed to be less nervous, a bounce in his step. He slumped next to Tobio when they passed the empty lounge—the TV a black mirror, but perked back up when he noticed there was nobody there.

“Tadashi wanted to see my art! So, I’m gonna show him some stuff after breakfast, he wants to learn how to paint.” Shouyou beamed up at him, brown eyes squinted with his smile. Tobio nodded.

The swinging white doors were closed, but it was loud beyond them. Tobio stopped in front of them, if they weren’t open that meant you had to wait to pass with permission. There was a loud sound from the other sound, something like metal sliding across the floor, before Mr. Sawamura was heard—his voice was loud and clear. It was stern. “Keiji, collect the patients from second hall.”

“What’s,” Shouyou moved backwards, he looked anxious again eyes darting from the doors in front of him and down the hall, “What’s happening?”

Tobio shrugged, “Guess someone lost control, first week I was here a kid got dragged out for keeping drugs or something?”

“D-drugs?”

The doors opened, Mr. Keiji hurrying in. Tobio caught a glance of what was on the other side—Mr. Sawamura was coaxing a kid down the hall towards his office, and on the floor right in front of the door was a small razor blade; something itched in Tobio’s chest.

Mr. Keiji was out of breath, his cheeks were pink, and his dress shirt was wrinkled. “Shouyou, Tobio.” The doors swung shut behind him, Tobio moved closer to them, Mr. Keiji moved away from them. He was distracted, Tobio could—“Don’t worry, just found something in someone’s room.” Mr. Keiji smiled at the two males, but Tobio could tell it was directed toward Shouyou—the redhead looked distressed, like during breakfast days prior when a sense of fear washed over him. Mr. Keiji moved closer to Shouyou, Tobio took this as an opportunity. His chest was heavy, an urge bubbling under his skin and he followed it.

The razor blade was small, it poked out from under the doors and carefully Tobio pulled it forward with his socked foot. It moved silently, relief pooling in Tobio’s stomach when he was able to successfully hide it completely with his foot. Mr. Keiji had moved closer to Shouyou, he was distracted—his mouth forming words Tobio couldn’t hear. He took this as an opportunity, quickly, quietly Tobio bent down and carefully removed the blade from the ground. It was cold, and Tobio hid it carefully in the palm of his hand—Shouyou caught his gaze. There was something in the redhead’s brown eyes that made Tobio feel like he knew, but Shouyou didn’t say anything. He continued quietly nodding at Mr. Keiji’s words. Tobio shoved his hand into the pocket of his sweatpants letting the small blade fall quietly into his pocket.

“Mr. Keiji!”

Ryu was coming down the hall, Yuu at his heels. Ryu looked dazed, worry washing over his features. Mr. Keiji gave Shouyou’s mess of curls a light ruffle.

“Is there a problem, Ryu?” Mr. Keiji turned towards Ryu—who unlike Tobio, Yuu and Shouyou was free from bedhead. Yuu’s hair a mess of spikes, the bangs that were bleached smashed down on his forehead; an attempt Tobio suspected at fixing the mess atop his head.

“Is breakfast delayed? Or, something, Mr. Keiji I need to get my medicine from Mr. Sawamura.” Ryu bounced on the balls of his feet, the normal attitude Tobio caught during group therapy, or movie nights or just chilling in the lounge was gone. Ryu wasn’t joking around; he wasn’t teasing anyone. He was anxious, he looked worried.

Mr. Keiji’s eyes widened, a realization, “Someone get Kei and Tadashi. Ryu, after we drop everyone off come with me.”

Ryu nodded, and Yuu took off down the hall, and when he was close enough to Tadashi and Kei’s room he slid. It was short lived, Mr. Keiji watching in horror as Yuu banged headfirst into the wall next to the door, falling back sprawled across the linoleum floor. The commotion was loud, and Kei was out of the room the second Yuu collided with the floor—his hair was a mess, bangs sticking up and glasses falling down his nose. Tadashi looked better; his hair combed down—though his eyes were still sleepy.

Mr. Keiji took a different route to the cafeteria, one Tobio was familiar with, a trip down the hall and away from the group therapy room with the door tightly shut and a piece of paper on the door with the words ‘DO NOT ENTER’ printed across it. This time instead of crossing through the hall of offices Mr. Keiji took a right turn down the hall towards first hall—and when they passed Tobio’s old dorm the heavy sad feeling grew heavier.

The cafeteria doors were propped open, the large window surrounding the room of foldable tables showed a crowded space. It was loud, the sound echoing down the hall. Tadashi and Kei broke away from the group first, and Tobio watched them go—watched their hands brush, a weird ache pushed at his heart.

“You guys head on in,” Mr. Keiji spoke quickly, he eyed Koshi who was walking around the cafeteria checking on different tables and having a small chitchat. “Ryu you come with me.”

Shouyou brushed against Tobio’s shoulder, beaming up at him. The ache happened again, pressing at his heart. The cafeteria was louder inside, and Tobio could pick up some of their words as he followed behind Shouyou and Yuu. The line for breakfast was shorter, and Tobio waited with Yuu and Shouyou—he only got a carton of milk. There was a queasy feeling in his stomach, the fact he had to go to the doctors after breakfast made him sick. He didn’t like the doctors; they’d push and pull and leave his wrists bare for the world to see.

“Kei!”

They joined the table with Tadashi and Kei—Tadashi looked happy enough ushering Shouyou to come sit next to him. Kei on the other hand bitterly let his head hang, grumbled when Yuu threw an arm around his shoulder and took a seat next to him. Five people to a bench felt like too much, so Tobio took the empty bench on the other side. Something sharp poked at him from inside his sweatpants—and that was enough to calm him down. There was an urge to pull it out and cut a line, press it deep into his skin and pull the blood out. But, he had to wait. The time would come; he’d do it when Shouyou was fast asleep, in the dark room he’d pull it out, but for now he had to wait, he took a deep breath. For now he had to wait.

“Kei, I heard Koshi gave you a new buildy thingy.” Yuu was loud, pressing his shoulder into Kei’s. Tobio watched Kei give a hard shove back—Yuu toppling to the side.

“It’s not a buildy thingy,” He snapped, shoving his spoon into his mouth, “It’s a Triceratops.”

“But you build it right?” Yuu popped back up, unbothered by Kei’s mean tone. He went to work on some soggy looking pancakes. Kei only grumbled in response.

Tobio struggled to open the wrapper of his straw, the sadness growing in his chest when Shouyou giggled loudly from in front of him. Tadashi and Shouyou were having a very indept conversation about…sunflowers?

Tobio had been in and out, mind bouncing from the blade in his pocket to the people sitting in front of him.

“And when you’re doing the seeds you just zip with the paint brush.” Shouyou nodded to himself, Tadashi looked confused but nodded along anyway—Tobio watched them carefully, sighing in relief when he finally was able to get the straw lose from the plastic wrapper and he shoved it carefully into the top of the milk carton.

“Tobio—Hello!” Koshi stopped at their table smiling brightly, though it felt directed towards Tobio more than anyone else, “Good morning!”

Yuu waved wildly at Koshi, spoon hanging from his mouth, and Koshi returned it, “Hey, Yuu! Tobio?”

Tobio hummed.

“Can I talk to you?” Koshi’s smile never faltered, Tobio looked between the eyes around the table. They stared at him, all but Kei who was uninterested.

“Oh…yeah, sure.”

Tobio followed Koshi to the front of the cafeteria, where the small table Ms. Kiyoko had been sitting at prior. It was empty now, a sweater folded carefully over the top of the chair and a clipboard stacked with highlighted papers on the table. Koshi leaned against it resting his hands behind him; the cafeteria seemed to grow quieter.

“I talked to your mother,” Koshi’s voice was soft, it was quiet and it was familiar, “And she wants you to stay at level two for a while.”

Tobio’s mouth felt dry, his throat felt tight, “But it’s only supposed to be two weeks.”

“I know, but most patients stay here for awhile.” Koshi looked towards the table Tobio had been, Shouyou was smiling and Tadashi was smiling and Yuu was still bothering Kei. “Shouyou’s staying for longer than two weeks too, and so are everyone else.” Koshi looked back towards Tobio, his smile was soft. “It’s not your fault, we just all think you need more time and Shouyou’s seem to taking a liking to you and everyone else. We thought it’d be helpful—Me and Mr. Keiji—for not just you, but Shouyou if we kept the familiar faces around for a bit longer.”

“But aren’t the… isn’t everyone else going to be upset they can’t move up.” Tobio looked from Koshi to the table he was at. “Like—”

“I can’t speak for them, but they have other reasons for staying.”

Tobio nodded, the heavy feeling in his chest grew and grew. He didn’t know what to say, he didn’t even know if he felt disappointed, a part of him didn’t want to leave, but another part of him did.

“It’s not my fault?”

Koshi looked surprised, his eyes widening and once again Tobio managed to make his smile falter.

“I mean… I don’t,” Tobio sighed, “I have p-problems and I… I don’t want to be the reason nobody can move up. I don’t want to bring everyone d-down.” His voice cracked, and the heavy feeling loosened. He’d spoken to Koshi about his feelings, he had, he really had. It was just…hard to open up to him. And…Tobio was overwhelmed, ever since he switched dorms the urge to end it all continued to grow and grow and gro—

“You’re not bringing anyone down, I promise you that,” Koshi’s smile grew, “Instead I think you’re bringing people up.”

Tobio followed Koshi’s eyes, they landed on Shouyou. The boy’s mess of curls were visible from across the cafeteria and they were bright. Shouyou was smiling big and wide as he excitedly banged his shoulders against Tadashi’s.

“R-really.”

Koshi turned back to Tobio, his smile even bigger than before, “I promise.”

* * *

The hallways seemed to stretch on for miles, Tobio had left the cafeteria a couple minutes after his conversation with Koshi. When he had gotten back to the table, Yuu had blabbered on and on asking what he that was about, Tobio had brushed it off—only to lie when Shouyou leaned over the table to push on his shoulder. _“Oh, it was about my doctor’s appointment.”_

The white doors that led to the hall of offices were open and Tobio passed through them quickly. The sudden reminder of what was in his pocket rushing through his body pushed an urge that itched to his fingertips.

When he reached the elevator that went down his fingertips had stopped itching and instead the queasy feeling in his stomach had started. He hated the doctors, the feeling of anxiety that they’d find something terribly wrong with him and he’d die made him panicky—it was weird, really. Especially because he had an urge to end it all right now, he should help they’d find something. With a shaky hand Tobio pressed the button for the elevator to open and it did, with a ding.

It was empty, and the carpet on the bottom was ripped and torn a very dull blue that reflected back at him. It reminded him of his mother’s blue eyes, dull. The walls showed him himself, like a bad mirror that stretched his body to make him even more lanky than he already was.

The elevator had two buttons—a call for help and a button for going down. Tobio always wondered what would happen if he pressed the big red one, he’d seen it in movies, but he always wanted to do it himself. The doors in front of him inched close and Tobio made his choice, his shaky finger pressing the button that went down.

The elevator shook as it descended, an unknown anxiety ate away at Tobio. What if he got stuck? Or a wire snapped, and he free fell? Tobio nervously pulled at the bottom of his shirt, and then he remembered the small blade in his pocket. Carefully he pushed his hand into the pocket to finger at the cool metal. The elevator gave a ear popping shake and then it came to a halt the doors slowly opening.

The main lobby was small and cramped, a white front counter in front of the elevator and four chairs pressed against a wall to the left. There was one big glass door—window stickers of flowers and bugs covering the fogged glass. The male behind the front desk smiled at him, he was older his hair starting to grey wrinkles forming across his forehead.

“Good to see you again, Tobio.” Dr. Takeda pushed a clipboard across the counter, “How’s your arms doing? Koshi said they were sore, but you didn’t have any problems moving them.”

Tobio nodded, the top of the counter pressed up against his chest. He took a deep breath, this wasn’t his first time here, but it felt like it. The smell of sterol cleaners and hand sanitizers was stronger here than upstairs, and it made the queasy feeling in his stomach feel worse.

“They’re okay,” Tobio nodded to himself, writing his name and date on an empty line. He involuntarily scanned the list of names written before his. _Shouyou Hinata 6/1 Forensic Exam_. Tobio stared at the messily written words, he hadn’t expected to see Shouyou’s name and a Forensic Exam—what was that?

“Uhh..”

“Can I help you?” Dr. Takeda stared at him with a smile just as familiar as Koshi’s, he leaned forward to peek at the clipboard. “You can just put check-up.” Dr. Takeda nodded at Tobio, and Tobio nodded back.

Once Tobio had finished writing everything down, he pushed the clipboard back towards Dr. Takeda, who continued to smile softly at him.

“You can have a seat over there, Ms. Kiyoko will be with you in a minute.”

“Wait you’re not—” Tobio’s heart dropped, Dr. Takeda always was the wrong who checked up on him. Since the first day he arrived, sitting on the sterol crinckling paper, Dr. Takeda had re-wrapped his wrists every time.

“No, Yuji is out today so I have to cover his job.” Dr. Takeda ended his sentence with a laugh. “Ms. Kiyoko’s nice don’t worry, it’ll be like any other check-up.”

Tobio nodded, he took a seat in a badly painted wooden chair. It was a bee, the painted mixed together to make a gross murky mixture of yellow and black; the paint was thick. The room was cold, the air conditioning humming loudly from a vent in the ceiling. The elevator was loud and Tobio could hear it shake as it binged opening again. Mr. Keiji walked in a clipboard in his hands—he looked composed, more composed than earlier this morning. He was wearing a long crisps white lab coat, unlike his normal colorful ones with the flowers and the birds embroidered around the edges. Tobio watched him whisper furiously to Dr. Takeda, before his loud drawn out sigh echoed around the room and he was walking towards the fogged glass door. Mr. Keiji’s eyebrows were furrowed, a deep frowning turning his lips down. Tobio watched him disappear behind the fogged glass, the lab coat flying out behind him like a cape.

Tobio felt like something was going on—everyone around him, aside from the other patients were on edge. They were all watching him, smiling at him—hell Koshi was even calling him mom, and re-reading his school records. Shouyou seemed to be wary of him— The fogged glass door opened with a creak. This time it was a familiar young woman.

Ms. Kiyoko had long black hair that was kept up in a high ponytail, a long crisp white lab coat and glasses that slipped down her nose. She nodded at Tobio with a smile, before hurrying to whisper something to Dr. Takeda before grabbing a thick manila folder.

“Tobio, right?” Ms. Kiyoko stopped right in front of him, her smile was unfamiliar, but it was calming. It urged Tobio out of his seat, he nodded. “I’m Ms. Kiyoko, right this way.”

Tobio followed Ms. Kiyoko through the fogged glass door and down the long stretching hallway of white walls and blue and grey linoleum floors. Ms. Kiyoko’s office was around the corner next to a storage closet, the door was pushed open and the bed had new un-creased paper lining it. Tobio entered first, Ms. Kiyoko following the door falling shut behind her. Tobio took a seat on the bed, the paper moving and wrinkling under his weight; it was loud in the quiet room. Ms. Kiyoko took a seat across from him in a small rolling stool setting the manila folder on the desk in front of her.

“So, Tobio. How’s everything going?” Ms. Kiyoko looked at Tobio, before opening the manila folder flipping through the contents. “Any pains? Is anything stiff?”

“Uh n-no, but sometimes it really itches.” Tobio nervously looked around the room, it was bland nothing but the bed, a small wooden desk and the stool.

“How about we have a look.” Ms. Kiyoko smiled pulling open a drawer of the desk, she pulled out a small thin pair of scissors standing up. Tobio held out his wrists and Ms. Kiyoko took them gently, using the scissors she cut down the line of gauze carefully before unwrapping them the rest of the way. The cool air felt refreshing against the irritated skin, but Tobio’s neck was hot with embarrassment. Once the gauze was successfully in the trash-bin Ms. Kiyoko took a pump of hand sanitizers, before pulling out a pair of latex gloves from the desk. They snapped loudly in the quiet room, Tobio nervously kicked his feet out in front of him before pulling them back and hitting his heels against the metal keeping the bed up.

Ms. Kiyoko took one less look at the contents of the folder, before turning back to pick up Tobio’s limp wrists. “They’re looking better,” Ms. Kiyoko dropped his left one to pick up his right one. “This one is healing slower than your left,” She poked at the side of his wrist, right where Shouyou had pointed out the blood, “There’s a tear in the stitches right her, it’s already started to close up though.” Ms. Kiyoko set his wrist down turning back around to look through the folder again. “Seems like these are the one’s that dissolve, as you can tell by your left one. Nothing but some irritated skin and a scar.”

“Doesn’t that mean they’re made from cat guts.” Tobio bit his lip, looking towards his left wrist. It was red, but it was healed. Tobio remembered the deep cut, how it had burned, it had turned the tiled floors of his bathroom into a red pool of blood.

Ms. Kiyoko laughed, “Yes actually, as disgusting as it sounds it’s what makes them absorbable.”

Tobio dropped his bottom lip, mouth opening is surprise “I-I thought that was a myth.”

Ms. Kiyoko laughed, “Your left one’s healed enough, so I’m going to leave that one unwrapped. Your right one still hasn’t completely healed, so we’ll keep that one wrapped for a little bit longer.”

Tobio nodded watching Ms. Kiyoko pull out a roll of gauze. She wrapped his wrist swiftly, it was tighter than how Dr. Takeda did it, but it was well done. She tucked the last bit in at the bottom and gave it a soft tap before sitting back down to flip through the folder. Tobio poked at the gauze, it was thicker than normal—to make sure it doesn’t tear again he supposed. The feeling of the cool hair on his left wrist was refreshing to begin with, but now it was unsettling. His neck was still hot with embarrassment the realization everyone would see what he had done made him sick again.

“Everything’s all good,” Ms. Kiyoko smiled, “You want a sticker, usually there for the kids, but I don’t mind handing them out to anyone.”

Tobio shook his head, his brain felt foggy. He didn’t want everyone to see his wrist it was easier when the red skin was hidden behind the thick white gauze, but now everyone would see what he had done.

“Okay then, I’ll see you in…” Ms. Kiyoko took another look at the folder, “Dr. Takeda will see you next Satur—No, next Friday.”

All Tobio could do was nod.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my finger slipped-
> 
> all i can say is omg i'm so sorry for the wait :( this was probably not worth the wait and i'm sorry. i just got really depressed and my life's been a shit show. i'm lowkey simping, but it's fine agekgaka because i don't really care. i'm trying to focus more on myself and my writing. this chapter is over 4,000 words and it was a pain in the ass to write, like i enjoyed it, but my dumbass kept adding all these extra detail like killie calm your ass down. i would like to give a big thank you to everyone and your very supportive comments even though i didn't answer them i saw them and i really really appreciate them!! 
> 
> just a reminder i do have a tumblr @oveath-shouyyou and you should totally come talk to me agelagk I'm nice i promise!! you can ask me questions and stuff too, I'll answer. 
> 
> also omg over a 100 kudos like um okay this story is blowing up, and i don't know what to say. i didn't expect it to get much attention, cause my writings pretty shitty but it did akdgalsh. i remember being like ughh i don't wanna write this anymore it sucks im just gonna post the beginning and see how it does. so i did and i went to sleep and i woke up and was just like holy shit- so thank you for all your support!!! 
> 
> ALSO
> 
> it's not too late to help, speak up. what's happening is not right and we need to show that it's not right. even just spreading the word or signing a petition is okay. 
> 
> for more information please use this link to find things you can do to help : https://blacklivesmatters.carrd.co/
> 
> (for anyone who is international here is an updated list of zipcodes you can use : 90015, 10001, 75001, 94533, 91768, 90013, 91103, 91743. [i'll add more as i find them!!]


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> T/W : BLOOD AND INJURY

* * *

Shouyou had finally fallen asleep, the hallway light had been shut off maybe an hour ago and Tobio finally decided it was safe enough. He’d been laying in the dark staring up at the wooden platform that kept Shouyou’s mattress from showing for two hours now, waiting until his hands stopped shaking and waiting until he could hear something that wasn’t his heart.

Tobio’s bed gave a little creak when he sat up, the sound wasn’t loud enough to wake anyone up, but it was enough to send his heart to his stomach. He stayed still, halfway sitting up one hand behind him keeping him stable and once his heart calmed, he moved again, this time making sure to watch where he placed his weight. The sheets rustled when he pulled them off, letting them fall over the side of the bed.

He moved quietly, sticking his hand into his pocket where the small blade stayed safe and sound, the metal was cool against his burning fingertips and without knowing he held his breathe when he pulled it out. It was too dark to see clearly, but Tobio could see how sharp it was—the point of the blade as it dipped down into a straight line. It was nothing like the kitchen knife he had found away to sneak to his room where he had hidden it under his bed—it was small and it was sharp, the tip wasn’t dull and it could fit in the small crevices of his skin the kitchen knife couldn’t.

Tobio pulled the waist band of his sweatpants down over his hips, shimmying so just enough skin poked out…maybe he should do it under his boxers at the top of his thigh—with two thoughts, one itching for the searing pain of the cut and the other worrying over a good hiding spot he pushed the fabric of his boxers up.

The skin was barely visible in the room, his eyes adjusted just enough to make out the small white lines on his slightly tanned skin—months of searing pain sliced unevenly in the skin of his thigh. His fingers itched, and Tobio let himself get sucked up into the urge. Carefully he pressed the tip of the blade into his skin, pushing down…his hands shook as he let the rest of the blade press softly into his thigh.

He wanted to feel the pain, wanted to watch his skin split open—but his heart was loud and his hands were shaking and the urge itched all over, but most of all the guilt was heavy in his chest pushing down and down and down until it was too hard to breathe…And he was moving sliding the blade across his skin with a ghost of pressure.

The sting made his head spin, the thoughts were jumbled—the words had his hand moving again, his breath caught in his throat he pushed the blade down harder pulling his skin apart with another drag of his shaking hands.

His eyes were open, but he couldn’t see the darkness surrounding his burning body he blinked away the spots, lifting his hand. The blade was sharper than Tobio had realized, the cut running from one side of his thigh to the other, it was uneven the line shaky hidden under the bubbles of blood rising to the surface. It was a dark burgundy in the darkness of the room, and Tobio’s itchy urged fingers stopped moving the blood tinted blade falling softly beside him on the bed leaving a splatter of burgundy against the blue sheets.

The sting of the cut was dissipating, and his head was starting to clear the negative thoughts getting washed away with a wave of worry. The blood bubbled up faster until it overflowed falling down his thigh like a waterfall.

How was he—the blood. Tobio sucked in a deep breath, holding it in his chest he watched the blood drip down his thigh and onto the clean blue sheets. He did think this through, he was just itching with the urge and Tobio pressed a shaky palm to his thigh, his skin was warm the blood bubbling from the cut even warmer. It stuck to his palm like wet paint and the pressure did nothing to stop the bleeding, instead it pressed up to the surface faster staining his hand even more.

His sweatpants fell to the floor when he stood up, both palms pressed against the large cut traveling from one side of his thigh to the other. Breath still caught in his chest his throat burned with the need for oxygen, his heart everything he could hear.

Crouched over, hips hurting and thigh burning as the blood slipped through his fingers and down his thigh Tobio fell to his knees. If he went to the bathroom, he’d get caught, but he was bleeding so much that he couldn’t just clean it up with the swipe of his hand. The carpet was rough against his bare knees and Tobio finally sucked in a deep breath leaning forward to press his forehead against the floor.

The bed behind him lurched with an ear spliting groan, the wood banging against the wall with the normal sound of Shouyou’s head hitting the ceiling.

 _“W-would you be quiet!?”_ Tobio hissed the whisper into the darkness, turning his head around forehead still pressed into the carpet to look at Shouyou. Shouyou’s breathing was loud, but it was barely audible over Tobio’s heart.

“W-why are you,” Shouyou stopped, his bed creaking again the sound of his sheets falling off of him loud, “Why are you on the floor?” The bed gave another groan, and then Tobio saw it…Shouyou’s leg slipping over the railing, foot toeing at the ladder until he reached a platform. “T-tobio?”

Tobio didn’t say anything, his breath caught in his throat. He pressed his palms down harder when Shouyou reached the floor. Instead of rushing right over to Tobio’s side, Shouyou rushed to the light switch next to the door, it burned Tobio’s eyes when he flicked it on.

“H-holy cra—”

“S-shut up.” Tobio rushed to his feet, cut forgotten as he pressed a bloody hand to Shouyou’s mouth. The ginger flailed away from Tobio’s hands, tripping as he moved backwards and landing loudly onto his butt. Tobio stared down at Shouyou in shock, hands frozen in mid air as the small male on the floor caught his breath, he looked pale eyes wide as he rubbed the blood from his mouth with his hand.

“I—”

“I’m okay.”

“You’re bleeding.”

“N-no shit.”

Shouyou pushed himself to his feet, his hands tainted red. He looked at Tobio’s dripping cut with wide eyes and pale cheeks.

“I’m gonna ge—”

“You can’t!”

Tobio moved forward again, going to grab Shouyou again, but the ginger moved back holding his shaky hands out in front of him. Tobio pulled his hands back.

“S-sorry. Just please d-don’t tell anyone.” Tobio looked down towards the floor, the waterfall of blood reached back his knee, Shouyou’s shaky breathing was louder than his heart.

“B-but—”

“C-can you just get some damp paper towels from the bathroom?”

“N-no.”

“Shouyou, p-please.”

Shouyou stopped in his tracks, one hand on the doorknob and the other hanging limply. Tobio dropped to his knees again, before falling onto his butt keeping his legs out in front of him.

“B-but you’re bleeding and—” Shouyou turned around to peer at the opening of Tobio’s bed, “I-is that a—a blade? I’m getting Mr. Sawamura.”

Tobio was on his feet again, rushing forward he wrapped an arm under Shouyou’s armpit dragging him down to the ground alongside himself. Tobio kept Shouyou there, arms wrapped around his bicep his hands shaking.

“You c-can’t—”

“L-let go.” Shouyou struggled against Tobio’s grasp, digging his fingers between Tobio’s blood stained ones. “To—” Shouyou gasped for air once he pried Tobio’s fingers of his arm, he sat up face paler than before and eyes bloodshot; waterline wet.

“Shou—”

“I’ll get the, the paper towels.”

Shouyou left without another word, the door to their dorm clicking shut softly behind him. The cut on Tobio’s mind made its way back into his thoughts—he pressed his palms against it, like adding another coat of paint.

It was a couple minutes till Shouyou came back, the door opening just enough for the smaller male to slip in his hands full of damp crumbled together paper towels. His face was slowly turning pink again, his brown eyes wide and his hair a tangled mess of curls that glinted with just the slightest tinge of brown on some strands. Tobio looked away when Shouyou took a seat next to him on the floor.

“Sor—”

“Move your hands.”

Shouyou poked at Tobio’s wrist—a new wave of anxiety engulfing Tobio’s head when he remembered the very bare left wrist another line of red irritated scars lining the newly healed skin. Shouyou didn’t say anything, eye’s looking from Tobio’s face towards Tobio’s thigh, waiting patiently for Tobio to lift his hands.

“I can do—”

“Just move your hands.” Shouyou grumbled, a yawn following his sentence as he teared a clump of paper towel apart. Tobio nervously moved his shaking hands away from the large cut; it had stopped bleeding, but the blood had dripped down to his knee. Tobio thought it looked like something straight out of a horror movie. “Wipe your hands off with this.” Shouyou handed him the clump of paper towel had had torn apart, before tearing another part off.

“T-thanks.”

The paper towel was cool, it calmed the ache in Tobio’s heart as he wiped the blood off his hands, pushing it between his fingers to get every drop. Shouyou only nodded, before pressing another cooling paper towel across the cut. He left it there, laying across his thigh before turning to rip another paper towel apart.

The paper towel on his cut was cooling, it was calming, and it helped the burn calm. Tobio watched Shouyou wipe up the blood that had dripped down his leg. Shouyou’s touch was soft, pressing down only when necessary.

“You’re—”

“I have a little sister.” Shouyou dropped a red tainted paper towel on the floor next to him, before grabbing a new clean one. “She’s really clumsy so she skins her knee a lot.” Shouyou’s lips twisted into a small smile when he talked about his sister, his eyes bright with energy.

“Are you gonna kiss my booboo better?”

Shouyou froze where he was, paper towel pressed against the bottom of Tobio’s knee, eye’s widening as his cheeks turned a bright pink.

“Sor—”

“I-if you want me to.” Shouyou followed the sentence with a giggle—low and soft, it bounced around Tobio’s head like a good song. It was his turn for his cheeks to turn pink, he looked away and Shouyou went back to work cleaning up his leg.

Once the excess blood that had dripped down was gone, Shouyou lifted the paper towel that was draped over Tobio’s cut. It was red, and it was surrounded by many other disappearing lines—Tobio’s cheeks turned darker the blush ran down his neck, but this time because of shame. Shouyou stayed quiet, crumpling the paper towel into a ball he pressed around the edge of the cut—blood bubbled to the surface again and Shouyou quickly wiped it away.

“I think there’s band aids in the drawer.” Shouyou’s voice was quiet, his head dipped low as he pressed the damp paper towel over the cut, more blood continued to bubble up to the surface with the added pressure, “But I don’t think they’d do a-any good.” Shouyou looked up, his waterline was wet again, and his cheeks were paling. “I think you need to tell someone.”

“I-I can’t.” Tobio’s shoulders shook, “I- I can’t, I can’t, Shou, I can’t.”

Shouyou dropped the dirty paper towel onto the carpet, grabbing another clean one from the pile. They were starting to dry—this one rougher against the irritated skin. Tobio’s shoulders shook even more, and then the tears started hot against his already burning face.

“I- I thought it’d help, but I just f-fucked everything up.” Tobio pressed his hands against his eyes, more tears leaking past his clenched shut eyes. Shouyou looked at him with wide eyes, his cheeks even paler than before—he looked like he was about to be sick.

“It’s not your fault though, and nobodies going to blame you.” Shouyou raised a hand to press against Tobio’s shoulder, he gave it a little push; urging Tobio to open his eyes.

“Y- yes they will.” Tobio looked at Shouyou through blurry tear filled eyes, “W-when they call my m-mom she’s gonna—” His sentence was cut short with a sob—loud and snot filled sending his body forward as he hiccupped.

“I don’t b-blame you.” Shouyou ripped a paper towel in half, working it between nervous fingers, “I-I just think it c-could get infected a-and—”

“D-don’t tell a-anyone.” Tobio sucked in a gasping breath, rubbing at his eyes with the palms of his hands, he hiccupped. “P-please.”

Shouyou crumped the paper towels into a ball, but nodded anyway, “O-okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT PLEASE CHECK OUT THIS LINK FOR EVERYTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT ALL THE CURRENT EVENTS!!! 
> 
> this includes bml, the yemen crisis and more :: https://blacklivesmatters.carrd.co/


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> was this worth the wait... probably not? 
> 
> there's now 19 chapters to this instead of 18 because i decided i'd rather leave this one shorter before the group therapy chapter which is going to be chapter 10.

* * *

Tobio didn’t remember when he fell asleep, but he did know his neck hurt and his cheek pressed into the carpet burned. Tobio sat up slowly, boxers sticking to his thighs and arms and legs indented with lines from his weird sleeping position. 

His thigh stung and Tobio was reminded of just a couple hours before, his eyes squinted he caught sight of the small splotches of blood that stained the dirty cream-colored carpet and blue sheets. A stack of blood-stained paper towels were crumbled at Tobio’s feet. Tobio looked towards the shut door, Shouyou sat next to it head lolling to the side as he fell in and out of sleep; the overhead light was still on; the air conditioning turned on with a hum. 

“Shouyo—”

“Hm?” Shouyou woke up fast, sitting up straighter as he strained his neck to look at the door next to him and upon seeing it was still closed sighed loudly in relief. His head lolled to the side again, resting in an awkward position eyes fluttering shut. Tobio didn’t say anything. 

The clock on the dresser read six-thirty, that meant he had thirty minutes until someone would come by…thirty minutes to hide the mess and do something about his stained sweatpants, carpet and sheets. He didn’t know what to do, Tobio knew he messed up and he was scared, scared because there was no way to hide the blood stains. 

He took a deep breath standing up, that didn’t me he couldn’t try. Tobio tried his best to not make too much noise, Shouyou still half asleep against the wall. He collected the dried up paper towels carefully, crumbling them into an even tighter ball before tossing them into the small trashcan in the corner…Tobio pondered for a minute, stared at the small blade sitting on his bed before that too joined the paper towels in the trashcan; Tobio tried his best to hide it between the paper towels. 

Shouyou was starting to wake fully by the time Tobio had gotten a clean pair of sweatpants and was now trying to figure out what to do about the sheets. They weren’t that bad, if he just made his bed the top sheets would hide it—but what would he say if they came for laundr…

Tobio felt a wave of joy wash over him, he could just say his stitches had torn. He held in the sigh of relief that threatened against his lips. He did just that, fixed the top sheet so it hid the small patch of blood against the blue sheets. It was only after he was done did, he notice the eyes on him. 

Shouyou gave him a meek smile followed by a yawn. Tobio awkwardly pulled the top sheet down even more, the anxiety was eating at him again, thick and heavy against his chest. 

“I was trying to guard the door, but I guess I fell asleep…” Shouyou stretched his legs out in front of him, arms reaching up towards the ceiling, he yawned again and this time it was contagious. 

“It’s…” Tobio sat down, head just barely missing the top of the bed, “When did I, uhhh fall asleep?” 

Shouyou turned pink at this, the color rushing up from his neck all the way to the tip of his ears. “We…I—” 

“It’s fine, you don’t have to explain.” Tobio sighed, letting his head fall into his hands. “Sorry about last night, I don’t know what came over me.” 

“Are you sure you’re not going to tell anyone?” Shouyou hoisted himself up, pushing against the wall behind him. “I mean…I guess it’s up to you, but I--…I don’t want to get in trouble.” 

Tobio looked at him in surprise, it felt as if something stabbed him in the chest, “Why…would you get in trou—”

“Because I’m an accomplice, and, and—”

“Accomplice—”

“And I want to get home, my sister probably misses me and I don’t want to stay here any longer than I have to. And Koshi’s scary, and maybe he’ll make Mr. Keiji switch rooms if they find out and—” 

Tobio didn’t say anything, the anxiety eating at him grew heavier. The guilt that joined it felt like a knife to his heart. 

“I don’t want to room with anyone e-else.” 

“Well I’m sorry!” Tobio stood up, the guilt stabbed at him harder, the knife trying to rip a whole in his heart. His blood ran hot, pounding against his ears as he drowned in it. “But you can’t just fuck up my life because you want to get home!” 

Shouyou’s eyes widened and Tobio saw a flicker of fear…but he couldn’t stop himself. 

“You don’t think I want to get home too!” His voice broke, “I want to g-go home too, and if anyone finds out I c-could be stuck here till my fifteenth birthday! A-and my birthday’s in December!” 

The guilt had successfully ripped a whole through Tobio’s heart. Shouyou stayed quiet, his brown eyes wide, and wet. 

“I’m going to the cafeteria.” 

Tobio’s voice was nothing but a whisper…Shouyou didn’t even nod. 

* * *

The cafeteria was quiet, more quiet than normal and it did nothing to ease Tobio’s anxiousness. The eyes of the surrounding teens fell on him when he entered, and then the murmurs started the laughter and the cafeteria arose in sound; the normal sound, loud and cluttered. 

It felt like everyone around Tobio _knew_ …Of course they didn’t know, they couldn’t know. But it felt like they did, and the gaping hole in his heart did nothing but make that feeling worse. 

Ryu looked up from his tray when Tobio sat down; it had been awhile since Ryu had joined them for breakfast. Yuu on the other hand was busy gawking; Ms. Kiyoko was at the front of the cafeteria.

Tobio didn’t say anything, and Ryu slowly went back to eating. Now that Tobio was starting to calm down, his leg stung. It was the type of sting that made his skin ich, it made him want to skim his nails over the cut. Make it bleed again. 

“She’s so hot…” Yuu sighed, rocking his head in his hands, Ryu seemed to agree, nodding along with Yuu, but he seemed tired; it was weird. “Oh! Tobio…where’s Shou?” 

“O-oh he, he was still sleepin—” 

“Oh my god she’s coming over!” Yuu made an inhuman squeal, the blood rushing to his face faster than it had ever bubbled up from Tobio’s cuts. 

Sure enough, Ms. Kiyoko was coming over her lips pressed together tightly with a small smile. Yuu leaned happily over the table, the sleeve of his shirt hanging close to the puddle of maple syrup on his tray. Ryu seemed distracted though, the normal attitude the boy had (he’d be fawning too) was gone and instead he was staring at the corner of the cafeteria with a frown. 

When Ms. Kiyoko reached their table her smile faltered. It was so unfamiliar Tobio couldn’t even care, but if it had been Koshi’s smile that had faltered the hole of guilt in his heart would have ripped open even more. 

“Good mornin’ Ms. Kiyoko!” Yuu smiled wildly, face a bright red. 

Ms. Kiyoko smiled at him, “Morning, Yuu.” And then she turned to Tobio, “Tobio, Mr. Keiji just spoke with Shouyou, and he would like to talk to you after group therapy today.” 

Tobio’s heart dropped, he felt sick and the air was trapped in his throat hot and dry, “W-what about Koshi?”

“He has a meeting later, so Mr. Keiji wants to talk to you instead.” Ms. Kiyoko continued to give him the warm unfamiliar smile, Tobio’s heart pressed against his ribcage. 

“A-about what?” 

Yuu had gone completely still and so had Ryu, both boys looking between the young doctor and the pale teenage boy. Tobio pressed a hand against his thigh, pushing down until his fingers curled into the fabric of his sweatpants pressing against the inflamed cut beneath them. 

Ms. Kiyoko’s smile faltered yet again, the twist of her lips and flicker in her eyes were unfamiliar; it made Tobio’s blood run cold. “I wasn’t told specifics. You know where his office is right?” 

Tobio nodded, pressing down harder on his thighs. Ms. Kiyoko reached over and gave him a _“soothing”_ pat on the shoulder, and when she walked away Tobio saw the sides of her mouth droop down. 

“She touched you!” Yuu’s plastic fork hit the side of his tray with no audible sound. His eyes sparkled with excitement when he leaned over the table to press a very warm hand to Tobio’s shoulder. “It’s still warm.” He sighed contently. 

When Yuu was back in his seat, fork in his hand as he shoved another pancake in his mouth Ryu finally said something. He wiped at his mouth with the side of his thumb, “What’d you do?” 

Yuu stilled. 

“Huh?” The hole of guilt in Tobio’s heart grew even larger…

“Mr. Kei—”

Yuu broke in, “Mr. Keiji only talks to someone if they did something…or if another patient is having a problem with his patient.” 

Tobio froze his heart loud, it overpowered the sounds around him, except one bitter thought. 

Shouyou never came to breakfast. 


End file.
